i feel like i used to live kind of privately and successfullyishly happily, but these days i’m kind of getting really weird and pathetic like i’m trying to escape but then i don’t go anywhere.

i wear my shoes and jacket , the door open, sitting like a cat ready to pounce but then just chatting with people on the internet and reading poetry instead.

i’ve been trying to explore what is existence, the difference between illusion and what is validity.  

i’ve been dreaming in black and white.  i’ve been living in all or nothing (in practice, mostly nothing)

i get caught up in metaphors and desiring to study allegories.

does something have to be observed for it to exist?

what defines observation?

what are the limits of experience?

i read this story by franz kafka about a philosopher that would observe small elements, such as a spinning top, for the moment he understood it, it would be just as enlightening as understanding some big idea.

i tried this, kind of, not meaning to be influenced by this story, but by sitting in the sunlight or looking at acorns or reading about how batteries work.